Part 4: Create a Helpful Environment

Learn the differences between passive, aggressive, and assertive communication.

Passive

•  You lack expression for yourself.

•  You do not stand up for your rights and needs.

Result: You usually do not achieve your goal.

Aggressive

•  You stand up for your rights and needs, but at the expense of someone else.

Result: You usually put down or hurt someone else. You gain no respect.

Assertive

•  You stand up for your rights and needs without putting down or hurting someone else.

•  You express your feelings without becoming victim to them.

Result: You build self-respect and feel good about yourself.

Example: Your aunt offers you a large piece of cherry pie that she said she made especially for you. You know that you have eaten enough for the meal and eating the piece of pie does not fit your eating goals.

•  Passive Response: “Thank you. It’s delicious!” Thinking… “I really don’t want to eat this right now, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”

•  Aggressive Response: “I can’t believe you’re offering me cherry pie when you know I’m trying to lose weight. You’re going to ruin my diet!”

•  Assertive Response: “I appreciate that you went to the trouble of making this pie for me! It looks great and I’m sure it tastes great. I am very serious about losing weight so I’d like to split that piece with someone.”

What Assertive Looks Like

•  Body Posture: Be relaxed and natural. Avoid slouching, putting your hands in your pockets, and facing away from the person you are speaking with.

•  Eye Contact: Good eye contact is vital to convey self-confidence and interest. Don’t stare at the other person; this comes across as a challenge.

•  Voice, Tone, and Quality: Use a strong, varied tone. Speak clearly and firmly. Don’t shout or speak too softly. Don’t whine.

•  Distance from the Person: Don’t position yourself too far or too close.

•  Facial Expression: Let your face convey the same message as what you are saying.

•  Content: Use short sentences. Be specific, clear, and firm.

Practice First

Plan or write down what you want to say. Have responses ready ahead of time to deal with questions and comments. Reinforce your remarks by saying what positive outcomes will occur for you and the other person. Practice in front of a mirror or with a friend.

Benefits of Being Assertive

•  You can feel comfortable saying “no.”

•  You have more confidence to ask others for help.

•  You gain more respect from others.

•  You feel less angry with yourself and with others.

•  You feel justified to say what you want to say.

•  You feel comfortable requesting clarification.

•  You accept compliments graciously.

•  You can change your mind without feeling guilty.